Having a loved one struggle with addiction is hard on the whole family. You have to make a lot of important decisions, the rehab process can be stressful, and sometimes you must make your boundaries clear to ensure your loved one gets the help they need.
During the process, it’s common to wonder whether you should prioritize tough love vs. true love in addiction. Is it more important that you set firm boundaries and consequences, or should you focus on showing compassion and understanding?
We’ve created this balanced and practical guide to help you learn how to support someone in recovery to ensure they achieve the best results. Read on for all the details.
Defining “Tough Love” in the Context of Addiction
Tough love typically refers to setting boundaries in addiction recovery or firm expectations you have for the person struggling. That can take shape in many ways, such as:
- Cutting off financial help
- Setting strict ultimatums
- Clearly and firmly stating what you want them to do
After someone has struggled with addiction for an extended time or made promises previously that were broken, it’s common to feel the need for some tough love. Some family members may even decide to start with tough love from the beginning if they feel that’s the best path.
However, there can be some drawbacks to tough love, especially when it’s presented in the wrong way. It could end up making the person struggling feel more isolated, like you don’t care, or feel the need to push back against strict expectations.
A study from the International Journal of High Risk Behaviors noted that many people who struggle with addiction feel isolated, lonely, or distant from their families. Therefore, some balance is needed to ensure the person struggling still knows you care about them.
Defining “True Love” Support
True love support is an approach that aims to provide consistent emotional presence and prevent shame for the person struggling. Essentially, family members or those close to the person who’s struggling try to be there for them as much as possible and offer compassion toward what they’re experiencing.
However, when taking a more compassionate and emotional approach, it’s important to understand the distinction between enabling vs. helping.
Enabling refers to actions that you feel are supporting your loved one, but actually keep the addiction going for longer. That can include:
- Helping them cover up substance use so others don’t notice
- Ignoring or downplaying the problem
- Protecting the individual from consequences
- Allowing substance use
- Providing money not earned
When you continue enabling, it doesn’t provide the person struggling with any consequences or clear signs that they need to seek help. A study from Alcohol Treatment Quarterly suggests a more balanced approach that includes emotional understanding, while still encouraging seeking treatment.
True love support, and effective help should fall in the middle. You want to be clear about boundaries and enforce them while still being emotionally present to learn about your loved one’s addiction and how it’s affected them. That way, you can show them you care while still making it clear that you want them to seek help.
The Problem with Extremes
It’s common to want to take one approach or the other, where you’re giving all tough love or full emotional support. However, approaches that include too many extremes can backfire.
For example, presenting strict expectations, consequences, or threats can push your loved one away and make them feel like you don’t care.
On the other hand, continuing to enable or allow the addiction can make it so your loved one doesn’t feel the need to seek help.
Balance is the key here. You want to work to understand your loved one’s struggles, what’s causing the addiction, and how you can support them in recovery. However, you should still set clear boundaries that you don’t let them cross. It’s important to avoid threats or shaming, but instead, work on providing firm support while showing you care.
Finding the Healthy Middle Ground
What does that middle ground look like in action? Here are some examples of healthy support for addiction:
- Encouraging treatment without threats. Show your loved one treatment options with clear reasons why it’ll help them and why it’s a good choice.
- Offer practical help, such as rides to therapy sessions, or assisting with meal prep to help when they have a busier schedule while in recovery.
- Speaking honestly about your concerns while expressing love. Using “I” statements can help present your viewpoints without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel worried when I see how much you’ve been drinking lately.” Then, take the time to hear your loved one’s side and their struggles while encouraging help.
Some emotions may come up when confronting problems or presenting boundaries, and that’s okay. It can sometimes help to take a step back, reflect, and then revisit the discussion when you have a clearer mind. Just make sure you maintain respect on both sides and create a caring environment where everyone involved can speak openly.
The Role of Professional Help for Families
Navigating addiction for a loved one isn’t easy, and it can affect everyone in the family differently.
Family therapy is a great option that can help guide discussions and come up with effective ways to support your loved one during recovery. For example, family therapy can provide you with tools to rebuild trust with your loved one after they get sober or understand the pain each person involved has experienced.
There are also great support groups for family members affected by addiction that can help, such as Al-Anon or CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training). Both can provide outlets for family members to express their emotions and build strategies to support their loved one in rehab in healthy ways.
How United Recovery Project Supports Families
At United Recovery Project, we know family dynamics and support systems play a significant role in recovery. When you seek addiction treatment with us, we can include family involvement in treatment programs to help you rebuild trust and a stronger support system for everyone involved.
That includes family therapy, skill building, and education on addiction, boundaries, and communication.
Each of our inpatient and outpatient drug and alcohol treatment programs can be tailored to your needs to ensure every client receives the individual and family support for addiction they need to maintain sobriety long-term.
You can contact us today to learn more or schedule a confidential consultation. Recovery is possible, and we’re here to provide you with the support you need throughout the process.
References
- Hosseinbor, Mohsen, et al. “Emotional and Social Loneliness in Individuals with and without Substance Dependence Disorder.” International Journal of High Risk Behaviors and Addiction, vol. 3, no. 3, 25 Aug. 2014, doi:10.5812/ijhrba.22688. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4295122/
- Davidson, Larry, et al. “Enabling or Engaging? The Role of Recovery Support Services in Addiction Recovery.” Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly, vol. 28, no. 4, Oct. 2010, pp. 391–416, doi:10.1080/07347324.2010.511057. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6419765/
